My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
