I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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