Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
