I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
