So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
