i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
