The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I AM VODKA MAN
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
