Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
