Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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