I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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