First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
