Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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