my mouth tastes like poor choices
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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