Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
