Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
