Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
