you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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