I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
