Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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