My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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