I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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