am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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