Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
