ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
