I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
