we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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