You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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