Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
