remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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