you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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