Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
