It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
