you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
