12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
