if you like me you must not know who I am
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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