So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
