I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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