when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
