your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
