I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
