Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
