Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
