i think i have two assholes
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My vagina just recognized that song.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
