we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
