why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
