What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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