i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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