Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
