I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
