Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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