We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
